To the Christian Who Feels Sad at Christmastime—Here’s What’s Helping Me

We’re getting real on the blog today.

I want talk about struggling with feelings of sadness around Christmas, something that can impact anyone, not only those of us with chronic illness.

In a way, this feels a bit like a taboo subject. I kind of worry about admitting to this struggle out of fear that people will think I’m not grateful for all Christmas represents (it is Jesus’ birthday after all!) or that my sadness means I somehow dislike Christmas (which certainly is not the case!)

I’ve struggled over the past several holiday seasons, and a lot of it has had to do with getting used to my limitations due to chronic illness. Christmas is one of my favorite holidays, so in addition to struggling with not feeling happy, I’m also struggling with not feeling quite like myself. My love for Christmas is a part of who I am, so this sadness is yet another way my chronic illnesses impact my identity.

And I think as Christians we can sometimes feel pressure to feel or act happy 24/7, so feeling sad this time of year adds another layer of complexity—I feel guilty about it!

I think it’s important to acknowledge that many factors can contribute to feelings of sadness during the holidays (again, some chronic illness-specific, some that can affect anyone):

• Worsening symptoms (winter is not kind to chronic illness)
• Isolation (thanks again to chronic illness)
• Grieving things we used to be able to do (especially holiday traditions this time of year)
• Loss (because of death, broken relationships, distance, etc.)
• Added stress (expectations, finances, finding new health insurance, trying to get into doctors during limited hours, etc.)

Hopefully this list will serve as a loving wake up call for anyone adding stress by telling those who are struggling that we have to act or feel a certain way, without realizing the burdens we’re already carrying.

I think we need to toss aside the silly assumption that you’re either Buddy the Elf or Scrooge.

I’m not after a flashy, hyper kind of happiness this holiday season. What I’m after is deeper and quieter—contentment and joy even in the midst of struggles and sadness.

This year has been a little easier—not because I feel healthier, but because I’ve learned from past experiences and been a little more prepared. I know my limits better, know what to expect when I’m flaring, and I have more tools in my toolbox for coping and self care.

I want to share what has helped me with you. I’ve divided up my tips into two categories. The first category is made up of tips focused on physical self care (practical advice, geared towards anyone dealing with chronic illness or exhaustion). The second category is focused on spiritual self care (addressing the roots of sadness during the holidays).

If you try these tips and still feel sad, know that that’s okay. I’ve struggled to give myself permission to grieve all that I’ve lost due to my illnesses, but it really is okay and even healthy to let those feelings out and process them in your own time.

My hope is that sharing what’s helping me will make this time easier for you and help you usher in more deep and quiet joy.

Physical Self Care for the Holidays

Choose how “Christmasy” you get

There’s not a “right” amount of decorations and activities for Christmas. You may prefer minimal Christmas decorations (I know to some people decorations can look and feel like clutter) or you may love a lot of Christmas decorations. The same may go for Christmas movies or anything else typically “Christmasy.” Maybe you love Christmas movies, maybe you’d rather skip them. It’s up to you how much you do or don’t participate. Give yourself permission to follow your own taste.

Music is another example. Can I just say—I don’t like some Christmas songs. Some people hear that and immediately think, “You HATE Christmas music?” No, I love a lot Christmas songs, especially carols. But to be honest others strike me as depressing or annoying. And that’s just my taste, not a reflection of how much I love Christmas. So I’m choosy about which and how many Christmas songs I listen to. I also make sure to listen to some of my favorite “regular” songs this time of year. They make me happy, so I make a point to include them in my day as an easy way to improve my mood.

Let go of things

It’s hard when you feel pressure to attend events or do things when people aren’t understanding about your limitations. Believe me, I know. It can be even more difficult to not pressure yourself.

Even though I just blogged about simplifying gift giving, I still find myself wondering if I have time to make such-and-such for so-and-so. I also realized that I didn’t make any handmade cards this year, something I’ve been doing for at least the last six years. And I decided that was okay. I realized that “I enjoyed doing this in the past” doesn’t have to become “I have to do this again this year.” I have a set of cute cards that I bought a few years ago and haven’t used—they’ll make perfect greetings for friends, if I get to it.

This blog post shares some other great tips on things to purposefully forget this Christmas.

Manage expectations

My parents I and have made a list of things we want to do this holiday season. It’s very scaled back compared to years past, and it helps us prioritize. It helps me to know that even though I’m doing fewer things to celebrate Christmas this year, I’ll still be able to do the ones that bring me the most joy. This has helped me be okay with doing less.

Having clear expectations will also ensure you find time for needed rest, as this blog post from Feasting on Joy points out. I absolutely love this point she makes: “If I didn’t do anything that looks like Christmas, it’s ok. My heart and mind are present with Jesus, who is the reason we have Christmas anyway.” YES.

Focus on what you can do

Inspired by this blogger’s Joy in Winter Challenge, I’m keeping what I’m calling “My List of Little Joys.” It’s helping me capture how many things have been fun and meaningful this December. Maybe I’ll post the list on my blog later this month.

I’m also being sure to take photos when I make it out of the house and/or visit with a friend, because that helps me save the memory. I like scrolling through my phone and smiling over the fun things I’ve been able to do.

If you stay in, remind yourself “I made the right decision”

The fact that I had walking pneumonia in November has, ironically, been “helping” me deal with missing out this holiday season. I’ve simply been too tired to get too sad about having to stay home. In the past, I’ve agonized over “Should I go?” and then “Should I have gone?” But I can’t argue with my body when the only thing that feels right is curling up in bed with as many blankets as I can get my hands on. When I stay home, I remind myself this was the right decision, and lately it’s been easier for me to accept this.

Spiritual Self Care for the Holidays

Pray about it

I’ve realized I sometimes have a kind of “blind spot” in my prayer life. I’ll ask for help with something like my health struggles, but forget to talk to God about circumstances that are making me feel worse emotionally—like, you guessed it, the holidays. You’ve probably already prayed about the things that are weighing on you, but have you let God know that you’re struggling more because of the season?

Remember, healing your broken heart is one of the main reasons Jesus was born in a manger to begin with. When Jesus began His public ministry, He read from Isaiah 61:

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,
Because He has anointed Me
To preach the gospel to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives
And recovery of sight to the blind,
To set at liberty those who are oppressed;
To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.” (Luke 4:18-19 NKJV)

You don’t have to depend on your own strength or muster up fake happiness. Let God minister to your heart and be your source of true joy (Nehemiah 8:10). There is no more perfect time than Christmas to turn your aching heart over to God.

Let someone know

It helps to talk it out. A pastor or counselor can provide great insights on navigating holidays with chronic illness, or any other struggles. A trusted friend can also provide a listening ear. When I’ve talked to friends, they’ve been very understanding. You may want to ask them if they’ll text to ask how you are or offer encouragement. And, you never know when opening up about your own struggles will give someone the permission they need to admit they’re having a hard time too.

Remember you’re not responsible for other people’s happiness

If someone you care about is also struggling with feeling sad this December, please remember that you can’t change their feelings for them. You’re not responsible for how other people feel. Certainly pray for them, be there to talk or just listen (maybe share this blog post if you found it helpful?). But remember that trying to be their reason for being happy is a burden no one human being can bear. This is a burden to surrender to Jesus.

Nourish your soul

For me right now, this often looks like carefully guarding my energy so I can make it to church as often as possible, and to guard my quiet time with God. This can be tricky because doing something “Christmasy” can often feel like “Oh, I spent time with God” when in reality it was more of Christmas activity vs. deep, nourishing time with my Father.

One of the things I’m trying to focus on this season is the beautiful meaning of Jesus’ name: God with us. (Matthew 1:23) No matter what you’re facing this Christmas season, we can rest assured that God will always be with us.

I recently came across this quote that describes the power that is available to us when we prioritize time with God:

“We can be tired, weary and emotionally distraught, but after spending time alone with God, we find that He injects into our bodies energy, power and strength.” –Charles Stanley

I hope these tips encourage you this holiday season, and that no matter what you’re facing, you’ll experience more of Jesus’ presence. I think that’s one of the most meaningful ways we can celebrate and honor His birthday.

What is helping you this Christmas season? I’d love to hear your tips in the comments below.

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